One bad trip
by xfilesfan
Summary: Mulder and Scully take a crazy trip to Roswell, New Mexico and meet some interesting characters along the way. UPDATED!
1. On the road

**Disclaimer: You know the ****deal,**** they're not mine, etc., etc.**

Mulder and Scully had been on the road for nearly 8 hours; their latest case required a trip across the country, and the FBI was too cheap to spring for plane tickets.

"Mulder, when are we going to stop?" Scully asked.

"We're not," Mulder replied.

She gave him a look of disbelief.

"What do you mean 'we're not'? We've been driving for 8 hours and we've only stopped once!"

"No, we've stopped twice. And we've been driving for 7 ½ hours," he said calmly, never taking his eyes off the road.

"Mulder, the McDonald's Drive-Thru does NOT count as a stop!"

"Fine. But we still can't stop, because we'll get behind schedule." He gave her a sideways glance, challenging her to disagree. She did.

"We're going to Roswell, New Mexico to investigate some crazy UFO story! How can we even HAVE a schedule?!" She was now confused as well as frustrated. Mulder sighed dramatically.

"Scully, Scully," he said and shook his head sadly. "Haven't you learned by now? We men _always _have schedules. Ask anyone."

She glared at him but didn't say another word.

"Scully, stop at this exit." Mulder said an hour later, finally broke the silence in the car. Scully was about to turn on her turn signal when another idea crossed her mind.

"Why?" She asked. Mulder didn't reply, as he was too engrossed in the magazine he was holding.

"Mulder!"

"Huh? Oh, uh, 'cause it's been a long time since we've stopped?" He phrased it as a question rather than a statement. Scully gave him a hard look.

"Okay, okay. 'Cause I'm out of sunflower seeds," he admitted. Scully smiled. This was perfect.

"Bummer," she said, trying to keep a straight face. "We've got a schedule to keep."

"What?" He couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"Mulder, we women always have schedules. Ask anyone," she continued, quoting him nearly word for word.

"Well, uh, it'd be okay to be there a little later, I guess."

Scully suppressed a laugh.

"Finally, you understand. Unfortunately, we still can't stop," she replied.

"WHY??"

"Well, I just passed the last exit for 25 miles," she grinned at him. He groaned.

"Finally!" Scully exclaimed when she saw the sign for the next exit.

"Fast food here we come!" Mulder added.

"I don't believe it," he said as they looked around the little town. "You're telling me that 'Gramma's Kuntry Kookin' is the only place to eat around here?"

Scully nodded grimly. "I have serious reservations about eating food cooked by someone who can't even spell. But I'm starving."

"How bad can it be?" Mulder wondered.

"Pretty bad," Scully whispered as they were approached by an old lady wearing a T-shirt that said 'I'm Gramma'.

"Hey y'all, I'm Gramma. Welcome to Gramma's Kuntry Kookin, here's your menus, I'll be back to take your order in 5 minutes. Would ya like something to drink?" The lady said in a deep, scratchy voice that could only be a result of decades of smoking menthols.

"Uh, I'll have an ice water," Scully said, opening her menu.

"Coke," Mulder said.

"We're outta Coke," Gramma replied matter-of-factly.

"Diet Coke?"

"Yeah, I think we got some," she said, then walked away.

"Well, it's not McDonalds," Mulder said quietly as she was leaving.

"This place sucks!" Scully exclaimed, not so quietly. Gramma gave them a dirty glare, so lowered her voice. "Let's see, there's 'Gramma's fishy stix and chipz', 'Gramma's cheezy pizza'… Is there anything on this menu that's spelled right?"

Then Gramma returned with their drinks.

"Are ya ready to order now?" She was still giving Mulder and Scully the evil eye.

"Yeah, um, I'll have 'Gramma's fishy stix and chipz," Scully said. Mulder smirked. Gramma tapped her foot impatiently.

"Oh, uh, I'll have, uh," he began, then lowered his voice, "Gramma's cheezy macaroni."

Mulder stared at his dinner in disgust.

"Scully, I can't eat this crap!"

Gramma gave them a death glare.

"What are we going to do with this?" Scully wondered aloud.

"I know! Let's hide it in our napkins!"

"Mulder, that's what six year-olds do to avoid eating their vegetables," Scully rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, and it worked for me when I was six," he replied.

"Okay," she conceded. "Here's our chance. She's gonna go have a smoke."

As soon as Gramma was outside, Mulder and Scully scooped the disgusting food from their plates into their napkins and placed the napkins in their laps.

"Gramma, could we have our bill, please?" Scully asked politely when the old lady returned.

"Boy, you kids musta been hungry. Glad you enjoyed my cookin'."

Mulder and Scully looked at each other and tried not to laugh. Their smiles disappeared when Gramma handed them the bill.

"That'll be 20 dollars. Thanks for coming to Gramma's Kuntry Kookin, please come again."

"Yeah, right," Mulder whispered as they were leaving.

Later that evening Mulder and Scully pulled into a hotel, tired and hungry. They paid for a room with two double beds and managed to drag themselves and their luggage up to room 603 before collapsing on the beds.

"I'm starving," Mulder said, half-asleep. There was a long pause. "Wanna go to McDonalds?" He asked, suddenly seeming wide awake.

"Mulder, it's 11:00 at night," Scully replied.

"Yeah, but I'm hungry. We never ate dinner, remember?"

Scully groaned, then sat up slowly. Their eyes met, and a smile spread across her face.

"Let's do it," she said.

"This is crazy!" she giggled as they drove into the McDonalds parking lot.

"Well, yeah. That's sorta the point," Mulder replied. They walked into the building, laughing at the ridiculousness of the situation.

The kid behind the counter looked at them suspiciously. Scully guessed that it was pretty unusual for two adults to visit McDonalds in the middle of the night. College students, maybe. But not two average adults dressed in business clothes. (They had left for New Mexico straight from work and had not bothered to change out of their work clothes.)

"I'll have a double cheeseburger, large fries, and a large chocolate milkshake," Mulder said.

"Um, I'll have a chicken salad with low-fat Italian dressing," Scully said. Mulder nudged her.

"C'mon. We didn't get up and come here just to eat salads!"

"Oh, okay." She smiled, then turned back to the kid behind the counter.

"I'll take a cheeseburger, fries, and a Coke."

"That's more like it!" Mulder grinned.

"Ah, there's nothing like all-American junk food!" Mulder said happily as he looked at their feast.

"At least it's not Gramma's Kuntry Kookin," Scully laughed and dismissed the thought of how much fat and cholesterol she was about to consume.

"Ugh, don't remind me," Mulder made a face.

"You know, Mulder, have you ever considered the possibility that McDonalds is a conspiracy?"

"What?"

"Yeah. Maybe it's really a conspiracy to make us all so fat and unhealthy that we won't even be able to resist the alien invasion!" Scully said jokingly.

"Yeah, McDonalds is run by aliens!" Mulder said loudly, and both burst out laughing. The employees gave them strange looks, but Mulder and Scully didn't even notice. They were having the kind of fun that only comes while doing something completely nonsensical (like visiting a fast food restaurant in the middle of the night), knowing all the while that you are acting ridiculous. They finished their meal with much more laughter and random silliness, then left.

On the way back to the hotel, Mulder stopped at a gas station.

"We just filled the tank two hours ago," Scully said

"I'm gonna get something to drink," he explained. "Be right back.

He returned a minute later with a bottle of Mountain Dew.

"Mulder, you're going to be up all night!"

"Nah, I'll be fine."

"So what do you wanna do now??!!" Mulder was sitting in the car, apparently unable to hold still.

"I told you that you shouldn't have had that Dew this late," Scully scolded him.

"What do you mean?! Caffeine doesn't affect me!! What do you wanna do?!"

"Go back to the hotel and go to bed," she replied.

Five minutes later, Scully was leading a very hyper Mulder into the hotel.

"Scully, I can't go to bed now!! I'm not tired!! I think I'll go run up and down the sidewalk for a while!!" He was about to dash away, but Scully caught him by the arm.

"Oh, no you don't. You said caffeine doesn't affect you. Prove it!"

"Scully! I CAN'T GO TO BED!! IT'S ONLY 11:45!!!!!" His arm was literally shaking in Scully's grasp. This could be a long night.

"Hey, Scully! Guess what?!" Scully groaned and buried her head in her pillow. Mulder had been talking nonstop for the last half hour.

"Guess what, Scully!! I got some more Dew!! Want some??!" He asked, revealing a secret stash of Mountain Dew hidden under his jacket. Scully pondered that a moment. If she drank any Dew, she would be up for the rest of the night.

"Huh, Scully? Do you want some?!" She sighed. At this rate, she'd probably be up all night anyway.

"Sure, why not?" She said, smiling.

"Hey, Mulder!! I can't sleep!!"

"Me either!!!" Mulder got up and started jumping on the bed.

"Scully, move!! I'm gonna jump onto your bed!!"

Scully got up and started bouncing up and down.

"I know!! Let's have a jumping contest!" She exclaimed as Mulder jumped onto her bed.

They both started jumping as high as they could, occasionally leaping from one bed to another.

"C'mon!! Let's jump together!" Scully exclaimed. They held hands and bounced a few times to gather momentum, then dove toward the other bed.

"Let's do it again!!" Mulder shouted.

"Yeeee-aaaahhh!!" They yelled as they soared through the air. Then they heard a crash as the bed collapsed. Unfortunately, the hotel manager picked that exact moment to enter the room.

"WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE??" He yelled, his face red with rage.

Scully wasn't surprised when she woke up two or three hours later and heard Mulder crying. It had been exactly one month since his mother had died; Scully had wondered if it would be a difficult day for him.

"Mulder? Are you okay?" She got up and sat on the edge of his bed.

"I'll never see her again," he said, his face buried in his pillow.

"I'm so sorry."

"It's my fault," he sobbed.

"No, it wasn't your fault. It was her own choice," she said.

"No," he said quietly.

"Mulder, it was not your fault," Scully said gently but emphatically. He shook his head, but didn't say anything for several minutes.

"No, it was my fault. I forgot to feed her and now I'll never see her again!"

"Huh?" Scully was confused.

"I forgot to feed Roswell," he said sadly.

"Your fish?"

"Yeah."

"Oh. How about you call Skinner and ask him to feed Roswell?" Scully suggested.

"Good idea," Mulder said, brightening up.

"Cool. I thought maybe you were upset because it's the one-month anniversary of your mom's death."

The smile disappeared from Mulder's face and he started crying again.

"Why did I even bring it up?" Scully asked herself.

Mulder woke up the next morning not knowing where he was or what happened the night before. He looked over and saw Scully lying in the bed next to his, and was shocked at what she was wearing: A SpongeBob SquarePants t-shirt. (She hated cartoons.)

"Scully? What happened last night?" he asked.

"Mmm… let me think. Oh yeah! We drank about a gallon of Mountain Dew each and were completely high on sugar and caffeine."

"Cool. Let's do it again sometime," he said.

"Well, let's get going. We wouldn't want to get behind schedule!"

**Hope you enjoyed it! D****o you want me to continue?**


	2. Enter the hippies

**Disclaimer: ****In case you've forgotten, Mulder and Scully aren't mine. And by the way, all the bands mentioned in this ****fic**** are real bands, but I don't own them either. (As if I would want to own a bunch of rock bands that broke up back in the 60s…)**

"So who is this 'abductee'?" Scully asked when they had arrived in Roswell.

"His name is Dakota Yuki; he's about 40 years old, lives with his younger brother," Mulder said. "Oh, and he's a flower child," he added quickly, hoping that Scully wouldn't notice.

"You mean he's a hippie," she said.

"_Crap!_" He mentally kicked himself.

"Mulder…"

"Okay, yes, he's a hippie. But that's no reason to disbelieve him!"

"We'll see about that," Scully muttered.

About 20 minutes later, they arrived at a large house surrounded by a very unkempt yard. Scully knocked on the door. A long-haired man wearing faded bell bottoms, a flowery t-shirt, a fringed vest, and a psychedelic headband answered the door.

"Mr., uh, Dookie?" Scully asked.

"Yuki," Mulder whispered. The flamboyantly-dressed man nodded slowly.

"I'm sorry. Mr. Yuki?" She asked, feeling blood rushing to her cheeks. He nodded slowly.

"I'm Agent Scully and this is Agent Mulder. We're with the FBI." Mr. Yuki looked shocked.

"I'm not growing any weed, man!" He said quickly. Scully gave Mulder an I-told-you-so look.

"We're here to ask you about your disappearance story" Mulder explained. The man relaxed.

"Oh, come on in. Sorry the place is such a mess."

Mulder looked around in amazement. He had never seen such a dump. And that was saying something, considering the condition of his own apartment.

"So, Mr. Yuki, can you tell us what happened?" Scully asked when they were seated on the garish, paisley orange furniture. The man hesitated.

"Call me Dakota Rain. This'll blow your mind, man. Me and Zen were listening to a Psychedelic Rangers CD, and he got up to get something to eat. It was like, I dunno, 11 something. The next thing I remember after that is lying on the floor with a headache."

"And..." Mulder prompted. Dakota Rain was staring off into space, apparently not listening to Mulder.

Scully took advantage of the opportunity to give Mulder The Look. As in the this-is-a-total-waste-of-time look.

"Mr. Yuki, I fail to see the significance of your story," she said in her no-nonsense tone. He snapped out of his trance-like state and looked at her.

"Look, I don't remember anything after like 11:00. I woke up on my living room floor 8 hours later with a headache, but I swear I don't remember anything."

"So you fell asleep." Scully said.

"No, don't you get it, man?" he asked incredulously.

"Please stop calling me 'man'," she said somewhat edgily.

"So what exactly are you telling us? What exactly do you think happened that night?" Mulder asked. It was the first time he had been able to get a word in, and so far the investigation was not going the way he had hoped.

"I was abducted," he replied, looking Mulder straight into the eye.

"_Yes! YES! I told you so_!" He thought gleefully, giving Scully a triumphant look. She glared at him.

"So, you're sure you don't remember anything else?" Mulder asked hopefully. Scully gave him another glare. Fortunately, Dakota Rain seemed completely unaware of the looks exchanged between the two agents.

"Well," he said slowly and thoughtfully. "There was this bright light… and… a gray dude with these huge eyes… It was far out."

"Mr. Yuki, were taking drugs at the time?" Scully interjected.

"No, man, I'm not into that scene!"

Mulder ignored his partner's skeptical and somewhat sarcastic question.

"Do you remember anything at all about what happened to you while you were gone?" Mulder pressed.

"No, I don't," he said regretfully.

"Sir, do you have any proof of this?" Scully asked.

"Um, no. I told you, Zen was in the kitchen. So, like, he didn't see it, man."

"Stop calling me man," Scully said insistently.

"'Dude', then?" He asked meekly.

She was about to let him have it again, but Mulder cut her off.

"Thank you for your help," he said. "We'll be in touch."

"That guy is such a flake! He's probably making it all up, anyway," Scully complained.

"Why? Because he's a hippie? He has cool hair," Mulder replied. Scully gave him a weird look.

"'He has cool hair', Mulder? What does cool hair have to do with anything?"

"I don't know, Scully. I just think there might be something to his story."

She rolled her eyes.

"Mulder, I'll tell you what there is to his story. He fell asleep, had a crazy dream, and woke up 8 hours later with a hangover. It's obvious that he has no evidence, no backing for his story…"

"Scully, his story has every hallmark of a typical abduction account." Mulder argued.

"Exactly! It has all the hallmarks of a typical story! It's almost cliché! Bright lights, missing time, and a 'gray dude with huge eyes',—he probably read it in the tabloid.

"I still think we need to investigate further. Maybe talk to his brother or something," Mulder insisted.

"Fine. We'll talk to him tomorrow morning," she reluctantly agreed.

The next morning, after they both managed to spend an entire night in a hotel without getting kicked out, they drove to a local restaurant. They were supposed to meet Dakota Rain's brother there at 10:00.

"Mulder, please don't push the abduction angle too much," Scully pleaded with him.

"Alright, _Mom_," he said sarcastically. Just then, a young man wearing tattered jeans and a faded tie-dyed t-shirt walked in. His hair was shorter than Dakota Rain's, but there was no denying the resemblance.

"That's gotta be Dakota's brother," Mulder whispered to Scully as the flamboyant character spoke to the hostess then walked toward their table.

"Hi. I'm Zen River."

"_Zen River? Where do these guys get their names?_" Scully wondered. A look at Mulder revealed that he appeared to be wondering the same thing.

"I'm agent Mulder, and this is my partner Scully," he said.

"Partner?" The young man's eyes took on a mischievous gleam. "That is so hot."

"We work together in the FBI," Scully said with an icy glare.

"Oh. Sorry."

"Come on, let's order our drinks," Mulder said, changing the subject. Fortunately for them, the coffee shop was not particularly busy at 10:00 on a Thursday morning. Scully ordered a decaf coffee and Zen River ordered a nonfat soy latte, then Mulder placed his order.

"I'll have um… A large Mountain Dew-" Scully gave him a hard look and shook her head. "No, make that a large espresso. Triple shot." Scully rolled her eyes

"_Since when is Mulder a caffeine addict_" She wondered.

"Sir, what can you tell us about your roommate?" Scully asked when they were seated at a small table with their drinks.

"Dakota? He's awesome, dude. We're like brothers. Well, actually, we are brothers, but he's cool. He's got a sweet record collection, and dude, did you see his hair? He hasn't cut his hair for like 10 years."

"Interesting," she replied.

"How long have you lived together?" Mulder asked.

"Well, let's see… Um, it was Thanksgiving weekend… Maybe '96? No, we went to a Butthole Surfers concert in '96. Um, probably '97. No, wait, I was still living with my parents, because Grandma came and she was really mad because I forgot to put down the toilet seat and, like, she fell in." He began to snicker.

"So you don't remember when you moved in with Dakota?"

"Dude, it was probably '98,"he replied.

"Sir, can you remember anything strange or out of the ordinary that has happened to you or your brother recently?" Mulder asked, earning a glare from Scully who obviously thought he was dangerously close to the topic of aliens.

"Hmm… No." He shook his head. "Well, wait. Yeah, it was a couple weeks ago." Mulder leaned forward expectantly. "Yeah, like, I forgot. Dakota, he uh, he ate like four cans of refried beans and…" He started laughing again. "He farted so loud... It was awesome!" Mulder also began to snicker, and Scully kicked him under the table.

"Zen River, your brother claims that he was abducted by aliens on September 19th. He said he was listening to a record, then woke up several hours later with a headache, unable to remember anything except 'a bright light and a gray dude with huge eyes,'" Scully said somewhat impatiently. Zen River began to laugh.

"Dude, that's bull. See, we went to Albuquerque on September 18th, and before we left the next day, I bought some sweet records at Krazy Kat Records, Tapes and CDs. Let's see, I got The Kinks, Flying Saucer Attack, Mystical Fudge, Butthole Surfers, Iron Butterfly, The Dream Syndicate, Acid Mothers Temple and the Melting Paraiso U.F.O…"

"So how do you know that your brother's story is 'bull'?" Mulder asked disappointedly.

"So, when we got home, me and Dakota had this huge fight because neither of us wanted to cook, so finally we went to McDonalds, then we got home and like, crashed, and we just started listening to records, man. I mean, first The Deep, then The Electric Prunes, then Mystical Fudge- dude, that record sucked- then Orange Alabaster Mushroom, the Bermuda Triangle Band, then The Peanut Butter Conspiracy…"

"Can he ever just answer a question?" Scully whispered to Mulder. He shrugged, apparently amused by Zen River's monologue.

"…Then Disco Biscuit, then Ultimate Spinach, then Psychedelic Rangers. Then I got up to get some leftover pizza, I was gone for maybe 47 seconds. Dakota was asleep on the floor when I got back and he didn't move all night, and I know 'cause I pulled an all-nighter to listen to all those records." He stopped and took a huge breath.

"Okay, thanks for all your help," Mulder said. He looked relieved to finally leave.

"Wow! That was the longest interview I can remember," Scully commented when she and Mulder were in the car.

"Yeah, that dude talked a lot!" He exclaimed.

"Mulder, if I never hear the word 'dude' ever again, it will be too soon."

"Okay!!"

"_Crap_," Scully thought. Mulder was high on caffeine again.

"So, what do you think??!!"

"About what?" Scully asked.

"About Dakota and Zen's stories! Who do you believe??!!!!"

"I'm inclined to believe Zen River. Dakota's story was flimsy to begin with, and Zen River pretty much blew it out of the water," she replied. "What do you think?"

"ALIENS ARE COOL!!!!" He yelled.

"Huh?"

"THEY ARE!!"

"O-kay. Do you really believe that Dakota was abducted?"

"OF COURSE NOT!!!" He loudly replied.

"_Wow, he should drink caffeine more often!_" Scully thought. "_It's so hot__…__Wait, wh__ere'd that come from_?" She shook her head, as if trying to clear her mind of whatever perverted thoughts had begun to take over.

"Well, when you calm down, we'll go talk to Dakota again," she said aloud.

"I'm calm NOW!!!!!"

"If you say so," she replied, smiling.

"Mr. Yuki?" Scully pounded on the door.

"DAKOTA!!" Mulder yelled, still feeling the effects of his triple-shot espresso. He banged on the door even harder than Scully. Finally, Zen River answered.

"Oh, hey dudes. How's it going?"

"Fine. Is your brother home?" Scully asked.

"Yeah. DAKOTA!! DAKOTA!! DAKOTA RAIN YUKI, GET YOUR BUTT OUT HERE!!!" He screamed at the top of his lungs. Dakota appeared in the doorway wearing nothing but a pair of tie-dyed boxers and a wife beater.

"What do you want, Zenny?" Dakota asked in annoyance. Then he saw the two agents. "Uh, hi. I'll be right back." He quickly disappeared.

"DON'T CALL ME 'ZENNY'!!!" Zen River yelled after him. After a few minutes, Dakota Rain reappeared looking very embarrassed.

"Sorry about that. So what's up?" He asked.

"We wanted to let you know that we've concluded our investigation," Scully said. "And we've determined that you were not abducted. Your brother said he was awake all night and you were in the living room the whole time. And since you don't have any evidence pointing to an abduction…" Just then, the lights flickered. "We've concluded that-" She stopped when a large gray face appeared in the window.

"IT'S AN ALIEN!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!" Mulder screamed, sounding very much like a little girl.

Later that afternoon, they had just started the incredibly long trip home to Washington, D.C.

"Scully, I swear, if you tell anybody about that…" Mulder threatened.

Scully just smiled.


End file.
